Road Trip USA 2011

12th August. Not a great night sleep for some reason. Maybe it was due to not eating dinner, after the good lunch we just weren’t hungry, we did have a look at the pizza in the fridge, out of duty more than anything but it looked like shit 24 hrs later. Anyhow I think it was best not eaten in the end, there was a bit of a pong in there, I thought it couldn’t  be the pizza, so ignored it. This morning it is gone! The smell must have been the pizza then. It’s even morphed some legs and escaped! Well I’ll be goldarned!


 After all the years coming to this great country, I realize at long last, there is a script that should be strictly adhered to at meal times. I’ll give you an example.

 Customer, I’ll have eggs, bacon, and toast please.


Waiter/ ress, how’d you want your eggs? This is then accompanied by a litany of ways to cook an egg, fried, broiled , boiled, baked, bashed , scrambled, omelet, over easy, sunny side up, soot blackened, and we do the hokey cokey?


Customer, Scrambled ( say)


Waiter, howdy want your toast? White, rye, sour dough , wheat, buttered, battered or shagged?


Customer, wheat please


Waiter, ok coming right up!


Your food arrives, usually promptly. At no time are you to make during this initial phase any, amusing rejoinder, flippant remark, or gag. If you do there will only be a whooshing sound as the comment flies right over their head.


Waiter,  thereygo!


you will commence to eat, after a reasonable period the water will return.


Waiter, wrm up your coffee?


Customer, yes thanks,


Waiter, Yah welcome. How’s the breakfast?


Once again, you reply nothing but ” good thanks”. If you want to say, the bacons a bit salty or it’s all rather over seasoned, or it tastes like a baboons arse hole. There will be the whoosh,


Waiter, with earnestness “apart from that,  is it good?”.


Game over don’ t forget the tip.


Now we have done the rafting trip 15 miles down the Colorado river, from the dam near the town of Page in Colorado to a place called , Lees Ferry. Through the Glen canyon. We were lucky with our guide, an educated, easy going guy, bags of passion and he seemed to care for his flock. It was all  effin ot again in complete contrast to the water that was efin cold, Sue had a paddle , she needed to get her body temp down, I had a swim, you have to do stuff like that if you are a twat, it’s more or less compulsory. Without the hats we had to buy at hideously inflated prices in the tour company souvenir shop, we would be in hospital now. Instead we are at Lulus sleepezze motel, it sounds like a knocking shop but it’s a, not cheap, cheap motel and miss Lulu seems a nice ol bird.


 I have developed a new moto which I will try and live by from now on, ” if it ain’t fillet mignon it ain’t shit” that’s what we ate tonight and it was great, followed by the expected , still uncomfortable reaming, the pain is less though , I put that down to the development of calluses in my back passage.


 My replacement cowboy hat, although more than twice as expensive, is not a patch on the one that is several hundred miles down this same river, I seem to have  lost completely the ability to skip gayly, my mince has lost all it’s vitality, where will it all end?

 Sue’s hat on the other hand looks lovely on her, nice and feminine, very pretty, and she looks a treat in it. Aha! That gives me an idea?

 Monument Valley tomorrow!


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