The Supermarket Again

I’ve discovered in the supermarket another beer! It’s a porter, nice and dark and malty with very manly overtones as I was to discover later. Even it’s name “Pipeline” conjures up images of blokes welding and putting fires out on oil rigs.

I’ve mentioned before about the singularly daft laws individual states have, the Ohio one, where all hard liquor has to be diluted to a maximum of 22%proof. There is one in Charlotte that says all none adults ( that is anyone under 21!) have a 9 pm curfew unless they are accompanied by an adult. The idea is to cut down on trouble makers and vandalism. This has made picking up a child prostitute very difficult and forces the prices up! The council did not consider the hidden consequences of their actions here did they? We are run by fools and dolts.

The most odd one though is the fact that you are only allowed to buy “Pipeline” if you own a Harley Davidson! I only found out by accident aided by my lightening thinking.

When we reached the check out the lady first scanned my tinned fresh fruit, I insist on fresh,I’m not exactly a fanatic about it but it’s one of my little disciplines I live by. When she reached the six pack and wazed it past the scanner she suddenly said “got a soft tail sir” I momentarily panicked To be honest. I soon recovered though, I can think at the speed of light when under pressure, even at 10am before I’ve had a drink or two. My first thought was I’d somehow come out in my PJs , the rabbit suit one that Sue insist I wear with the oversize fluffy bunny tail, it’s to stop me sleeping on my back and snoring, (it works ok actually). My hand went with animal instinct to my builders crack area to check, ok good, my next thought was my medical problem, no she couldn’t possibly know about that, that’s when the HD connection came to me. Quick as a flash, from alarm to rejoinder must have been a maximum of 1.3 seconds, it probably seemed like a millisecond to her, she was after all only a checkout operator, not a retired fighter pilot, “yes” I lied, ” how did you know”? “You must have! To drink that stuff” she said, I was again stunned fancy having a law like that! It smacked of corruption and brown envelopes if you ask me.
I added a bit of depth and colour to my misdirection, whilst she sorted out the change, ” yeah it’s a 68 flat head” luckily I knew a bit of ” Hog” lingo ” scodda twin pipe n straight 1inch bars, with 4 on the floor” I was well into my mid Atlantic by now. ( i particularly liked the 4 on the floor part, I don’t know what it means, I got it off the Beach Boys “little Duce Coup”)
She gave me my change coupled with the look of the gorm I’ve seen before, when I engaged a Sainsburys checkout girl with the fuel consumption figures compared to the power out put of the latest Prius. It was then I realised she might be au fait with local retail law but she knew fuck all about Harleys!

I swaggered out of the supermarket like you do when you have pulled off a coup of this magnitude. Some people say I look a bit like Freddie Mercury from the back, maybe its the moustache? It could have been Freddie Frinton come to think of it? Anyway it was at at least a smug mince.

When I got back home Sue was giving the twins their scheduled lunch at 11-30. I was as dry as a witches nipple and ready for a lunch time beverage, it was loverly. Before I knew where I was I’d taken out the whole 6 pack. I was mighty angry then so I gave her a damn good hiding, she deserved it so don’t go feeling sorry for her. I locked the kids in the cupboard, I can’t be bothered with the little bastards! while I sent her to the supermarket for replacements.

I simply wasn’t prepared to risk other road users lives by driving after a 6 pack! That is the standards we all should strive to live up to in my book. I’ve developed a slogan that would look very good on a matrix system “Keep alive behave like Clive don’t drink and drive” I think that says everything, coupled with a classy personality people can readily identify with. What do you think?

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