Bollocks to Festervus?
I started this to assist Bam Carlson understand how we “Ba Humbuggers” have reached the zenith that we have.
I can understand how difficult it is for a Swede ( or any other normal human being for that matter), to grasp, the joy we English get in total misery. It is very difficult to explain, it isn’t misery in a corrosive way, that rots you to your core until you string yourself up, or try jamming your toe into the trigger guard of a shot gun and thats not easy I’ll tell you. No, it’s a misery that is almost joyous, a bit like pissing on a bonfire, if you like.
I’ll start with the basic meanings of the words.
Bollocks- the groin area, you can be kneed in the bollocks, kicked in the bollocks and I suppose you could be punched in them at a push, why you would want to though, when kicking or kneeing are available is quite frankly beyond me. NB kneeing is quite different to kneading, if your bollocks are kneaded it can be jolly pleasant especially if a) they are yours and b) a good friend is doing the kneading.
This whole operation cannot be satisfactorily carried out on on a woman, they have the basic groin but not the bollocks. I’m sure you have it now.
Bollocks can also mean rubbish, nonsense, trash, or balderdash.
It is also possible to have a load of bollocks if used in this way.
It can also be used in a negative way, for instance “What a load of bollocks” or “that’s bollocks” meaning disbelief of a statement or a situation.
It would be perfect to use if being interviewed in a police station. If for instance you disagreed with the fucking detectives view of the scenario. You could say ” this is bollocks”. He would completely understand your point of view.
You wouldn’t for instance, kick someone “in a load of bollocks” that simply makes no sense at all.
I think we have nailed bollocks now and can move on to Festervus. I’m not looking forward to this I’ll tell you.
It’s my own word, I’ll be quite forthright about it. It is a modification of the word Festivus which it’s self is a combination of the word festival and Christmas, I threw in the ” fester” part as it more reflects a grumpier view of the whole “bollocks” that is Christmas. The original word Festivus is from an episode of Sinefeld just in case you wanted to see how it’s used on Yootoobe.
There is quite a selection of words that have been cobbled up to re-title Christmas, so it doesn’t upset the natives (no racist slur is meant here, it is the way we in the Bengal lancers refer to whingers and trouble makers).
Words like Crimble, Crimbo, the holidays, Wintervall, and the like, were all designed so none Christians could partake in the seasonal twatery without compromising whatever stupid religion they have been brainwashed into.
Yes I know it’s supposed to be a Christian festival, celebrating Jesus’s birthday but that’s not the point is it? No one knows when he was born except I believe it could have been on one of any 365 days in the year, if it happened at all that is. It was shoved in it’s present spot for convenience. The pre-Christians already had a piss up at this time of year anyway celebrating the shortest day and all that cobblers ( one can’t use bollocks here as the shortest day is indisputable scientific fact, bollocks would be inappropriate).
When the early Christian bloke who thought he wanted to be a bishop or something, well anything is better than earning a living. Being the chief of dishing out bunckum (could use bollocks here) to the masses has got to be the business for sucking on them like a leach. Well anyway he had a business advisor maybe a virger who came up with the idea of piggybacking Jesus’s birthday on the pagan “do” and if we make ours a bit more fun, all they are doing at the moment is burning the odd sheep like Frenchmen when on strike or sacrificing a virgin, (not easy in Birmingham) they will go for our thing big time! And if we chuck in a cake , a pudding and a few mince pies our business will last 2000 years at least.
With this idea he became the apprentice of the year and lived happily ever after.
If you have managed to stay with me to this point, you can either say “like” or “bollocks”, if I have lost you, bollocks is totally appropriate.
If you have any questions fell free to ask.